I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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