it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize