Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
