I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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