before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
