woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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