Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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