I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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