If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
