I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
