too bad you live with your parents still
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize