I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
