btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
