omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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