I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize