"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize