allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
