The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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