P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
