I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
