I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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