Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
