my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
