life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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