in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
