Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
