Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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