the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
