the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
