I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
