I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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