i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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