On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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