he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
