I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
