You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
