Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's blow job season.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
