i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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