I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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