i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
