At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
