A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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