we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
