why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
