My boss' voice literally gives me gas
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
