Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
