We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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