insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
