If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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