Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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