I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
