my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
