Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
