I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize