I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
