so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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