atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
