All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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