She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
