I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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