He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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