It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
